When I went to get my ultrasound I immediately got scared. It was becoming a bit too real. I felt anxiety sweep all over me and I could have had a panic attack.
As my name got called, I told myself "here we go". The nurse starts searching for the life inside but had trouble because I'm only 5-6 weeks. She presses down harder and finally locates the heartbeat. She tells me that I'm due 7th January and shows me the flicker of the heartbeat on the screen. I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't having it.
After I leave the radiology place, I start crying. I feel sick because of what I'm going to do with the life growing inside me. I message the father but he's no help. I'm not sure why I thought he'd come to my aid but I just hoped that he would. What a fool I was. I call one of my best mates whilst I'm crying in public in a park. I don't really remember what was said but he managed to calm me down. I think I went to him because he's a dad and I don't have a good relationship with my own dad. I really felt like a girl who needed her dad to tell her he's got her back so I went to the next closest thing.
People might wonder why I went alone. Well, it's mostly because I am on my own and nothing anyone can say makes it better. I don't feel I get the support I need and want from my friends. It's just the reality of it, so rather than being annoyed at people for not giving me what I need, I avoid them at this stage. Sometimes I feel like a bitch when I have to explain it but it really boils down to not understanding what I'm going through.
Some harder realities are coming and it's how I prevail out of this situation which will really show my own strength.