Stuck Memories

Photo by  Joshua Earle  on  Unsplash

Photo by Joshua Earle on Unsplash

I hope I didn't upset my mum yesterday. I told her something upsetting that impacted me from when I was 15. As I’m going through my journey, I’m finding that stuff is starting to resurface, sometimes out of nowhere.

When I was 15 my mum’s boyfriend Steve at the time basically said the reason I didn’t have a boyfriend was because I was a loser. I remember my mum making me speak to him on the phone for some reason, maybe to get to know each other, and then he said that, I then went to my room and cried for ages. I never told my mum… until yesterday. I believe the reason why I didn’t tell her was because I didn’t want to destroy her happiness. Funny, how we keep things like this to ourselves.

This memory came out of nowhere. I’m not sure what I was thinking about at the time, but I feel like it is part of this clearing course and spirituality course that I am undertaking. You know what’s shit? I have a real complex around my own confidence and self-esteem with a lot of issues stemming from people cutting me down when I was younger – whether that be my dad, my so called friends at the time or bullies. I am quite a confident person now, but I know, memories such as this one really plague my subconscious. Sometimes I am crippled by these memories of being called a loser, being called ugly, feeling worthless…. I mean, who wouldn’t be?

This resurfaced for a reason… And yet, I’m puzzled as to why. I haven’t actually thought about that particular memory for some time, in fact I would have thought I had forgotten about it. I thought I should tell my mother this memory and that Steve was not good for her. What I do feel is compassion for Steve. But, why? I think about the person I am now and how I can witness the situation as an observer. I believe he didn’t know how to handle children as he didn’t have any of his own, he was always young at heart – probably having a fun surfing lifestyle with a playboy mentality until the end which means he could potentially end up alone because he didn’t seem like the settling down kind of man. If we’re all about connection, I think if Steve is the way he is, it can lead to such an isolated existence, and to me that’s sad.

Most people would react with “well he’s a loser” but I have to say that he’s not on the same level of thinking as I am right now. I can see through his faults that he might not even recognise and I rise above those faults. Even though what he said was so hurtful at the time, I can see I’m not that scared girl anymore. So if I have to say I release this clutter in my mind, then I release it with compassion.

My decision to abort - Part 14

I believe I've now got to a point where I don't think about this with sadness. I've got so much more to live for and as unfortunate an event, I've finally moved forward that it was a decision I made and learned from.

Thank you to everyone who supported me in this journey. I feel blessed that people would take the time out of their day to read the internal struggle of my life and be kind on my journey. I'm ready to close this off as I turn the pages over in my story.

My decision to abort - Part 13

Things are looking up. I had to ask myself "who is the person you want to be?".

I don't want this abortion to define me. I have to think about it as something that has happened in my life and something I have to grow from.

Just how exactly am I going to do this? Well, I'm looking at my spiritual path that I haven't fully explored to guide me out of this situation. I'm fortunate enough to believe in something greater than me to pull me through. It'll help me refocus on the person I want to be.

Some people suggested I speak to a professional, which I would normally turn to but because I've already been advised that all those feelings are normal and some women overcome them, that's good enough for me to not seek further advice. I'm entrusting my faith into my spiritual path. Of course, if I feel like I'm falling off the rails, I will speak to a psychologist again but I truly feel inside that I'm going to be okay.

Some lightbulb moment occurred last week about what I need to do. Thanks to a friend for linking me Mel Robbins 5 second rule which talks about our inability to make decisions that impose hesitation and self doubt. The difference between knowing what to do and actually actioning it. This 5 second rule is going to catapult me into looking after myself also.