Waking up to myself

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I haven't taken the time to write out my thoughts after what happened in mid-2017. I went through my depression and managed to get myself out.  I felt like I had to conquer it on my own, as I didn’t feel like anyone really understood what I was going through, and I managed to gain some tools to move forward. In that, I started my spiritual journey.

The most significant thing I did after this was go on a life-changing trip. I travelled to a Thai village named Surin with a company called Bamboo. The aim is to provide education to the locals to reduce animal exploitation which has been supported by the Queen. But government money isn’t always enough to feed, look after and house an elephant, so through volunteering organisations like Bamboo, they encourage people to have an adventure whilst helping and giving back to the local community. The money paid for the trip goes back into the village in some way: helps out the Mahouts (elephant keeper), builds better water supply, goes to the hosts that put up volunteers, helps with food for the elephants etc. The idea behind organisations like Bamboo is to spread education such as reducing elephant crushing also known as breaking the spirit, split the will or Phajaan, whereby a baby elephant is tortured in order for their spirit to be broken and become submissive to their owners will. They also teach Mahouts that tourists are happy to walk alongside an elephant and don’t need to ride their backs nor do they need to train elephants for the purpose of entertainment. 

I believe the main challenge I had was actually getting to Thailand on my own. That was a scary prospect to travel to a country where you don’t know the language, and could easily get lost anywhere in that country. I was thankful that it all worked out and told myself that if I couldn’t find the person picking me up, to attempt a call and if no one answered, buy a ticket back home. There was always going to be a solution to the problem. What I learned on my trip was that we overcomplicate our lives in Western society. I enjoyed the simple things and could see that these villagers were happy with what they had. I mean sure, everyone has their own set of worries, but even so, these people didn’t seem to be plagued with the problems like we seem to have. It was such a tight-knit community and people were readily available to help each other out. I certainly don’t feel a sense of community living in Melbourne though it’s definitely something I want to seek out now. 

I think what I also learned, is that what we worry about in Western society doesn’t really matter in the end. If we aren’t living a life of helping the less fortunate and marking a mark to help a fellow human out or protect this earth and all its beings, then we’re not really making a positive impact. I used to be a person who didn’t care about environmental impacts because it was never at the forefront of my mind. I barely saw such hard-hitting topics forced in my face, and because of this trip, have been seriously thinking about the life I want to lead. It was such a tough time coming back to “my world” and realising: I don’t like the life I lead. We’re so heavily driven by consumerism to the point we don’t actually realise that has such a negative impact on the world we live in. I think about the changes I want to make in my life to be better. Amazing what a short 2 week trip can do to change your perspective!

Anyway, please find some snaps of my trip. I actually had a moment with one of my elephants placing my head on hers, which by the way, is very dangerous but I took a chance to gain some connection. Elephants can still run and crush you, they can wrap their trunks around and squeeze you, which wouldn’t be fun. It was a beautiful, gentle moment which I can’t really place into words. Imagine thinking about what you know about connecting with another being and then transcending what you know. That’s as much as I can really describe it.

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I wrote out my goals for 2018 on this piece of paper. I did the same for 2017 but didn't gain much traction after having my own setback. I do feel good about this year though. With my 2 x 365 day challenges it's given me such great focus in such a short amount of time. I have to blog daily in order to share my experience through both of those challenges, and then, that has a flow on effect to my other goals. I hadn't picked up a book really in the past 6 months and I've started to do that again. I draw when I feel like it and I am learning Portuguese. Belly dance classes start in February and I am currently trying to sell things I don't use in order to fund other goals I have on this list. I am in more control of my finances after reading Barefoot Investor so that's another worry I won't have. I'm so looking forward to what this year will bring. I work in a witch shop called Muses of Mystery every Saturday for my own personal development, and have met so many good people, that I really feel more sense of belonging than I ever have. As I develop my own beliefs and abilities, I continue to grow to no bounds. It'll be exciting to see where I end up by the end of the year. What I really need to buckle down on is finding a charity that I want to volunteer for as I feel like it's a great step towards the person I want to be. I need to do more research on this. Another thing I hope to find this year is some love. Got to place myself out there in order to receive right? Anyway, I've done enough typing and I should probably stop before this becomes a book. Cheers to 2018!!

It's been 6 months...

I started feeling angry today and quickly wanted those feelings to fade. It's been about 6 months since the 10 year relationship ended...

Speaking to a friend today, I realised I missed that intimacy of having someone to cuddle and kiss - seems so lame to say it out loud but that's the truth. It's not even about sex. It's just about having someone to look forward to seeing every day.

What made me angry was that I started thinking, why did it take so long for it not to work out? How can you put everything into a relationship and have it fail? They say nice guys finish last but all I could think of was nice girls finish last - such an immature thought. I'd like to think that I'm a pretty decent person and would do anything for the people I love, but I felt like "what do I have to prove?"

This post seems sad... I just wanted to write out my feelings and what better way than on my blog because I don't keep a diary. I find it's better to release my feelings so then I don't have to think about it again.

I was once told that Yiruma's River flows into you was how I was seen by a loved one. It's a very powerful piece that can literally make me cry listening to it. I'm listening to Yiruma now and seeing where my emotions take me. Can get lost in music sometimes. I should really start my poetry again.

Rather than being sad and angry, I am lucky I can now readjust my thinking into more positive thoughts. I don't let any matters get me down like I used to. Momentary lapses of anger do really fade away because it's such a waste. I think the more I talk openly, the better I feel about myself. The other day, my friend said he loved listening to me laugh. I asked why and he said because I sound happy. My answer to that was "Yeah I'm in Melbourne!". Seems like such a weird answer (and weird is not the word I am looking for - I just can't think at this time), but it really has been the positive change in my life - new surroundings, new friends, new mentality - what's not to love? If I didn't have the power in myself to make the change, I wouldn't be happy.

As I slowly meet new people, it's great to also realise what you want in the next partner. I have a crush (yes I said crush because I'm so high school) who has opened my eyes that there are really genuine nice guys out there. Ones that are funny, creative, easy to talk to, happy and just down right lovely. I hope to find someone like him and you're probably thinking "why not date him?". Well, that's because he lives in another state and right now I think he's perfect from afar. I don't think anything will happen (even though people say "never say never"), though I silently thank him for being who he is because he's just what I needed for confirmation, that nice attractive men do exist and all the ferals who just want sex, don't deserve my time. I want someone I can enjoy and enjoys my company right back.

So there you have it. Gone into different thought tangents though I feel better getting it out because my mind races from here to there.

Also thank you to all my friends who listen to all my shit and still love me all the same.