Waking up to myself

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I haven't taken the time to write out my thoughts after what happened in mid-2017. I went through my depression and managed to get myself out.  I felt like I had to conquer it on my own, as I didn’t feel like anyone really understood what I was going through, and I managed to gain some tools to move forward. In that, I started my spiritual journey.

The most significant thing I did after this was go on a life-changing trip. I travelled to a Thai village named Surin with a company called Bamboo. The aim is to provide education to the locals to reduce animal exploitation which has been supported by the Queen. But government money isn’t always enough to feed, look after and house an elephant, so through volunteering organisations like Bamboo, they encourage people to have an adventure whilst helping and giving back to the local community. The money paid for the trip goes back into the village in some way: helps out the Mahouts (elephant keeper), builds better water supply, goes to the hosts that put up volunteers, helps with food for the elephants etc. The idea behind organisations like Bamboo is to spread education such as reducing elephant crushing also known as breaking the spirit, split the will or Phajaan, whereby a baby elephant is tortured in order for their spirit to be broken and become submissive to their owners will. They also teach Mahouts that tourists are happy to walk alongside an elephant and don’t need to ride their backs nor do they need to train elephants for the purpose of entertainment. 

I believe the main challenge I had was actually getting to Thailand on my own. That was a scary prospect to travel to a country where you don’t know the language, and could easily get lost anywhere in that country. I was thankful that it all worked out and told myself that if I couldn’t find the person picking me up, to attempt a call and if no one answered, buy a ticket back home. There was always going to be a solution to the problem. What I learned on my trip was that we overcomplicate our lives in Western society. I enjoyed the simple things and could see that these villagers were happy with what they had. I mean sure, everyone has their own set of worries, but even so, these people didn’t seem to be plagued with the problems like we seem to have. It was such a tight-knit community and people were readily available to help each other out. I certainly don’t feel a sense of community living in Melbourne though it’s definitely something I want to seek out now. 

I think what I also learned, is that what we worry about in Western society doesn’t really matter in the end. If we aren’t living a life of helping the less fortunate and marking a mark to help a fellow human out or protect this earth and all its beings, then we’re not really making a positive impact. I used to be a person who didn’t care about environmental impacts because it was never at the forefront of my mind. I barely saw such hard-hitting topics forced in my face, and because of this trip, have been seriously thinking about the life I want to lead. It was such a tough time coming back to “my world” and realising: I don’t like the life I lead. We’re so heavily driven by consumerism to the point we don’t actually realise that has such a negative impact on the world we live in. I think about the changes I want to make in my life to be better. Amazing what a short 2 week trip can do to change your perspective!

Anyway, please find some snaps of my trip. I actually had a moment with one of my elephants placing my head on hers, which by the way, is very dangerous but I took a chance to gain some connection. Elephants can still run and crush you, they can wrap their trunks around and squeeze you, which wouldn’t be fun. It was a beautiful, gentle moment which I can’t really place into words. Imagine thinking about what you know about connecting with another being and then transcending what you know. That’s as much as I can really describe it.

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I wrote out my goals for 2018 on this piece of paper. I did the same for 2017 but didn't gain much traction after having my own setback. I do feel good about this year though. With my 2 x 365 day challenges it's given me such great focus in such a short amount of time. I have to blog daily in order to share my experience through both of those challenges, and then, that has a flow on effect to my other goals. I hadn't picked up a book really in the past 6 months and I've started to do that again. I draw when I feel like it and I am learning Portuguese. Belly dance classes start in February and I am currently trying to sell things I don't use in order to fund other goals I have on this list. I am in more control of my finances after reading Barefoot Investor so that's another worry I won't have. I'm so looking forward to what this year will bring. I work in a witch shop called Muses of Mystery every Saturday for my own personal development, and have met so many good people, that I really feel more sense of belonging than I ever have. As I develop my own beliefs and abilities, I continue to grow to no bounds. It'll be exciting to see where I end up by the end of the year. What I really need to buckle down on is finding a charity that I want to volunteer for as I feel like it's a great step towards the person I want to be. I need to do more research on this. Another thing I hope to find this year is some love. Got to place myself out there in order to receive right? Anyway, I've done enough typing and I should probably stop before this becomes a book. Cheers to 2018!!

My Current Challenge

Time passes... Life gets busy... We neglect our needs...

It's been months since I last wrote anything down. No thoughts, no ideas, nothing.

I joined James Patterson's Masterclass to instill some inspiration. Whilst listening to him speak, he talks about writing every day as if it's exercise and routine, so that the author is constantly writing, exploring ideas and expressing themselves. I have totally disregarded this notion. Something as simple as noting down how my day went, seems like such an arduous task. My lack in motivation comes from one year of looking for jobs, wanting to earn more in order to live more comfortably and the constant succession of failure has completely clouded my life. This grouped together with money being stolen and my back throwing out seem like a never ending bad luck streak. Writing, a hobby that brings me joy, gets knocked off the shelf because I let these deciding factors influence all aspects of my life. I'll be unmotivated to cook, clean, get up in the mornings sometimes, eat and work all because one tiny segment of my life is not going as planned.

I am very much self aware and know that I am the only person who has the power to change all of this. There is nothing wrong with wanting more in life, and I know I lack the patience, but it can honestly be so demoralising when you're trying so hard, only to repeatedly come up short. My mind has become so foggy with this bad turn of events that it's like you want to yell out #FirstWorldProblems! And it's okay to get bogged down but only if you live to fight on and crawl back out of your hole.

So, what am I going to do to change my situation? Well, I'm just going to get on with it. One task I was really good at was making a list to prioritise what I needed in life to make it better for me. I have completely forgotten about this but I'm going to stop being a sad sop and make a concerted effort to stick to this:

- Make a daily duties list
- Write every day whether on blogging or in a notebook
- Stick to my exercises to strengthen my back
- Make sure I eat on time
- Continue to plan my meals
- Spend more time with my cats
- Drink less alcohol
- Continue to participate in activities that enrich my life - reading, cooking and exercise for a start

So pray for me or send me good energy to help me on my way. I cannot continue the way I am or I'll get stuck way down in my hole and never want to come back out.

Here's to feeling good!

That's totally a glass of water! ^_^

Caring hurts...

I'm a person who cares about my friends and family. I care to a point that I put others needs before my own and I leave myself behind. Why do I care so much for others? Because if I see a friend in need, I can't sit idly by - I actually think I need to help them. In recent times, I've sat here and wondered why do I do this? I only question it, because there is only so much help you can give, and only so much advice you can give, before that person needs to help themselves. Now, it's taken me a long time to realise this. Caring for people can sometimes hurt. What do I mean? Well..... I mean that if it's placing obstacles in your own life, or, preventing you to care for yourself, then why are you caring so much? I, in no way am saying that you shouldn't care for others. What I'm saying is, don't let caring have a negative impact, to you. It's taken me months, sometimes years, to realise that some people in life can take advantage of my caring nature, and not only absorb my energy, but also never take steps to help themselves.

I'm not a person who asks for help often. I am the type of person who likes to deal with my problems myself. Even when I've hit rock bottom, I never burdened my friends and family with my issues, I've just tackled it myself. If I needed to get professional help, I'd get it. And, I know that not everyone can do this themselves, or admit it to themselves, and you need your friends and family to give you this kind of push to go see a professional. I've had to deal with loved ones having mental issues, and though it's taken time for them to seek the actual help they need, it has placed a strain on me. This is something I just don't think I have capacity to deal with right now - well, taking on too much that I leave myself behind.

Before any judges and thinks I'm being selfish, I'm going to say, yes I do need to be selfish. I don't see the problem in being selfish, when I've always been selfless, with my friends and family. I'm not asking anyone to care for me. I'm asking myself to care for me and that's the best kind of selfishness people need. What brought this on? People's actions speaks volumes. When you take it upon yourself to be inconsiderate towards me, that's an indication to me that, you do not care for me the way I care for you. So my advice to anyone is: Don't let caring get to a point that it hurts you.