My decision to abort - Part 10

There has been a lot of self loathing. Hating myself for the choices I've made. How does one come to peace with it?

I was told these feelings would come and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Feeling of emptiness, sadness and guilt.

I've been trying to move forward. I've been telling myself to go do things to remind me of the positive things I have in life. Last night was the first time I felt good since the abortion. Genuine feelings of happiness brought on by my friends parents being in town and reminding me of the goodness that exists in life. Just good people who shine the brightness in life, sharing random life stories that brought laughter and giving me a sense of comfort that I am cared for. Sometimes, it just takes those friendly reminders to show us that it's going to be okay.

My decision to abort - Part 9

I went on holiday to the Maldives to reflect and refresh. Unfortunately I was ill throughout the whole trip with some bacterial infection and whilst dealing with those frustrations, I had time to think.

I started feeling sad about my abortion but also angry. I feel like it shouldn't have happened to me and I started questioning why I had to go through it.

As I thought about my life I felt very alone. It didn't help that I went on a trip with a married couple, as it seemed like a constant reminder of the things I don't have in my life. It was very lonely and I had this unsettling feeling that maybe the decision I made to abort wasn't the right one. I wouldn't have a baby to curb my own loneliness, but it was just something that popped up.

I feel like it's very had to articulate what thoughts were going through my head. It's a constant feeling of being unbalanced and a sense of missing something in my life. That's the only way I can best describe it

My decision to abort - Part 8

I feel quite normal. Aches and pains like they said would happen. Have another psych appointment tomorrow and follow clinic appointment next Friday.

From what I can tell, it's gone well and I am thankful for this. I parted ways with the would be father as we won't be together and that pains me more than the abortion.

I still feel constantly tired and breasts ache. Hoping I return to my physical self in another week or so.

I will keep my journey open until my final check up. So far, I'm feeling good but with my hormones changing, you just never know what decides to manifest.