I started feeling angry today and quickly wanted those feelings to fade. It's been about 6 months since the 10 year relationship ended...
Speaking to a friend today, I realised I missed that intimacy of having someone to cuddle and kiss - seems so lame to say it out loud but that's the truth. It's not even about sex. It's just about having someone to look forward to seeing every day.
What made me angry was that I started thinking, why did it take so long for it not to work out? How can you put everything into a relationship and have it fail? They say nice guys finish last but all I could think of was nice girls finish last - such an immature thought. I'd like to think that I'm a pretty decent person and would do anything for the people I love, but I felt like "what do I have to prove?"
This post seems sad... I just wanted to write out my feelings and what better way than on my blog because I don't keep a diary. I find it's better to release my feelings so then I don't have to think about it again.
I was once told that Yiruma's River flows into you was how I was seen by a loved one. It's a very powerful piece that can literally make me cry listening to it. I'm listening to Yiruma now and seeing where my emotions take me. Can get lost in music sometimes. I should really start my poetry again.
Rather than being sad and angry, I am lucky I can now readjust my thinking into more positive thoughts. I don't let any matters get me down like I used to. Momentary lapses of anger do really fade away because it's such a waste. I think the more I talk openly, the better I feel about myself. The other day, my friend said he loved listening to me laugh. I asked why and he said because I sound happy. My answer to that was "Yeah I'm in Melbourne!". Seems like such a weird answer (and weird is not the word I am looking for - I just can't think at this time), but it really has been the positive change in my life - new surroundings, new friends, new mentality - what's not to love? If I didn't have the power in myself to make the change, I wouldn't be happy.
As I slowly meet new people, it's great to also realise what you want in the next partner. I have a crush (yes I said crush because I'm so high school) who has opened my eyes that there are really genuine nice guys out there. Ones that are funny, creative, easy to talk to, happy and just down right lovely. I hope to find someone like him and you're probably thinking "why not date him?". Well, that's because he lives in another state and right now I think he's perfect from afar. I don't think anything will happen (even though people say "never say never"), though I silently thank him for being who he is because he's just what I needed for confirmation, that nice attractive men do exist and all the ferals who just want sex, don't deserve my time. I want someone I can enjoy and enjoys my company right back.
So there you have it. Gone into different thought tangents though I feel better getting it out because my mind races from here to there.
Also thank you to all my friends who listen to all my shit and still love me all the same.