A mother's love

For some, you spend your whole life not truly appreciating your parents. My mother became a single mum when I was 9, and when I was growing up, there were some points when I just did not understand the time, dedication and hard work my mum would have struggled through. When you start becoming an adult yourself, it's hard to imagine what life would be like with 2 kids in your 20s trying your hardest to keep things together. I'm now in my 30s, kid-less and have no grasp of the realities of what my mum had to face.

Sometimes I look at my life and think, "WHAT AM I EVEN DOING?" and my mum at my age worked full time supporting a 10 year old and 8 year old. What a feat! It's hard to try and not be selfish but as I reflect, I honestly love my mum for everything she's done - at times me not agreeing with her decisions but everything was to help build the person I am today.

I wanted to share love for my mum as she finally gets to be happy. I recently went back to Perth to see her get married to a great man that I had never met. It was a fast moving relationship and of course I had ill feelings towards this. She met a man and wanted to get married straight away. As her daughter, an automatic reaction is - why the rush? I have no faith in religion, nor most people, and therefore could only place my distrust in this man. When I met him and got to know my mum's partner, I thought about how I wished that this man was my father from the beginning. I don't have the best relationship with my own father (one day I hope to fix), but my mum's husband possessed all the qualities of a good man and person. What really sold it, was the unconditional love my niece has for this man, and it really sealed the deal. If a child can love someone with the purest of intentions, then that meant I could too.

When I think about the times we were financially struggling, the tears through my parent's divorce and all the hard times as a family, I can sincerely say that my mum deserves to be happy. I am happy that she can finally share her love and live life filled with grand affection and faith. Let us all trust and believe that Love conquers all and everyone will have their time come.

What will he bring?

They ask me what am I doing... I answer with "I don't know". Can morals ever over rule my feelings and desires? I wonder... I wonder if the decisions in this situation are right. Do I take the risk of liking someone with no definitive answer? Is their heart really occupied by another? Do they even feel for me?

I like knowing that my heart can feel again. Yes, in time of course it would. I am surprised at the time it decides to present itself. I am open to the possibilities. Maybe he's not right for me. Maybe he's only here to open my eyes to what could be. Being lustful, being playful, being care free - who doesn't like being caught up in emotions and actions that lead to love and laughter.

Do I love him? Definitely not. Could I? That's a ripe question that even I can't guarantee. Throwing feelings out there is a chance. I've already taken the chance. Will anything eventuate? We shall see. I wonder if you can gaze into another persons' eyes and you'll just know that it's right.Or maybe, you'll just know that it's all wrong. I wonder what our meeting will bring.

I hope that I'm not weak. I hope I won't succumb to my devious heart. I want to be guided by my gut, following only my instincts - this is something I still need to learn. I hope he respects me. I hope he won't mess with my mind. What am I getting myself into? The time is approaching, creeping up ever so slowly and though my heart tickles with excitement, reservation kicks in also.

Is it human nature to have expectations? Or is it just me? I don't want to set myself up for disappointment. But who does? So many questions.... Maybe I just like answers. Nothing wrong with wanting answers but then over analysis is my weakness. So here I am, letting it out of my mind. What will be, will be...