I use an app called Line and all of a sudden a man named Francis added me. Francis is my dad and I immediately panicked. Although I did know another Francis, and it could have been my ex's cousin (highly unlikely), I started crying uncontrollably when my dad had added me to this chat messenger system.
Now, for those that do not know, I don't have a great relationship with my father. I was mentally and verbally abused growing up, and I don't think any child needs to be treated this way by anyone, let alone a parent. I haven't spoken to my father in over 5 years after I wrote him a letter saying he brought nothing positive in my life, and therefore, when I was ready, I would contact him. It was one of the toughest decisions of my life, but also, one of the best decisions I had ever made. I made a positive change for myself and it definitely allowed me to grow as a person.
So why did I cry so uncontrollably? I was scared. I was scared that my dad would come back into my life and be the same person he always was, which would ultimately bring me down again. I didn't want to feel small again and I just didn't want him there. I wanted him gone.
After I spoke with two of my best mates, they made me realise that even though he might still be the same person I knew of, I had changed. I was a stronger person, and no matter what he was about to say, it wouldn't change the person I am now. I was tougher and had more power in myself to overcome what I might be challenged with. They also said, see if it's him and see what comes out of it because what if good things happen?
So I initiated contact and told him where I was in life. He offered advice and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My dad is on a very religious path and advised me to pray to gain some answers. I even thought about going to church because of him, not that I think I will gain much from it. but it's something I want to fulfill because he suggested it.
Although this will be a slow process, I think I will soon learn to let go. Let go of past shortcomings and live a better life because I lead my own life. I'd like to believe my dad is a changed man and because I cannot physically see him as we live in different parts of the country, I hope that we develop a different relationship as we grow older. It's a working progress and I hope I grow as person through this part of my life.